Divorce and Children

"The worst problems for children stem from parental conflict, before, during, and after divorce or within marriage.” 

Stephanie Coontz

Divorce will affect your children. It is up to you and your ex-partner - both - to make sure this effect is minimal.

Before you separate, you need to talk to your children about your decision to separate together with your spouse.

Your children will always want to know, "Why?" their parents divorce. The best answer is to say that, "Marriage was unhappy" without getting into detail. The worst thing you can do is to blame your ex-partner for the split.

The attitude to keep throughout the divorce is, "My ex-spouse is a good parent and means well." To minimize the effect of your divorce on your children, you need to keep this attitude and never denigrate your ex-spouse to the children. This attitude will also help you to get more parenting time with your children than if you were blaming your ex-partner for everything.

The worst thing you can do is to demand to know from your children whom they want to live with, you or your ex-partner. The request to "take sides" will damage your child's psychological well-being, no matter what choice your child makes.

Remember, your children know they are half you and half your ex-partner. If you blame each other, your children will start questioning their identity and how good they are, being half you and half your ex-partner. Your children would prefer if you and your ex-partner were friends, because children love both their Mom and their Dad.

The Family Law in Australia recognizes the right of both parents to spend significant and substantial time with their children. This means, in most instances the Court will strive to have a shared parenting arrangement in place.

Your children need to know that you love them and even though you are divorcing your ex-partner, you are not divorcing them and will continue being a part of their lives. You can be present in their lives without being physically present through phone calls, emails or Skype. This involvement is good for your child who needs to know he or she is loved, to grow into a stable and secure adult capable of a loving relationship with a partner.

Eventually, your dispute with your ex-partner will settle and you will move on with your life. However, the effect of your dispute with your ex-spouse on your children may last for the rest of their life. Please bear it in mind when you think about the effects of divorce on your children.

1 March 2009 - New de-facto regulation became effective in Queensland, Australia: de-facto couples whose relationship broke following 1 March 2009 will be applying to Family Court for both property settlement and custody of the children.